Sunday, February 19, 2017

What I Want

I was really upset & hurting the other night. What I wanted & didn't want was going through my mind, so I started to write in my journal. This is what came out. You can either read the images from my journal, read the bulleted transcription on the side,or a combination of the 2. Whichever you find easier for you. (I'll be upfront. Some of these are things I want around some people in my life that I do get around other people in my life.)

  • I want to learn how to be a better person then Hitler.
  • I want to earn the right to have my political opinion & not have somebody suggest I kill myself because of it.
  • I want to earn the right to form my own opinion.
  • I want to earn the right to make my own decisions - esp on important things like if I want to have kids or not
  • I want to earn the right to not be bullied
  • I don't want to feel like crap anymore
  • I want to feel like I'm just as worthwhile as everybody else
  • I want to feel like I have something to offer somebody - even if it's a lie
  • I want to not feel like I have to have higher expectations for myself as I do for everybody else
  • I want to earn the right to be myself around family - aka Mom, Dad, Jess, Amanda, etc
  • I want to like myself as much as my co-workers seem to like me (NOTE this includes friends that I don't work with.)

  • I really don't want to feel like crap anymore
  • I really don't want to feel stupid anymore
  • I don't know how. I don't know how to do any of these things & I should. I just should.
  • I shouldn't have been weak* enough to feel like the bullies want/wanted me to feel
  • I should've* just know how to deal with bullies when they first started to bully me
  • I shouldn't have been hurt by the bullies emotional abuse I should've been too strong for that
  • So yeah. How do I learn to be human instead of sub-human? How do I learn to treat myself they want I wand friends*, Alex, Cassie*, my nieces & nephews, etc to be treated? I don't even know how or where to start.

* Yes, I know it's spelled wrong in my journal. I was getting things out then, not making sure I used the correct spelling when 2 words sound the same, make sure ' were in the right place, etc. All those mistakes I found when making this blog are corrected in the transcription.

So, that's a little insight into how I feel on a regular basis, esp when I'm hurt or just having a "depressed" day. It's also a glimpse (even for me) of where I want to end up.