Sunday, May 21, 2017


  • Why is it OK for guys to bully girls they like? (including me)
  • Why is it OK for anybody to try to trip somebody when they are on the stairs for any reason?
  • Why is it OK for people to talk down to me?
  • Why is OK to pin somebody to the ground (or do other things that can be considered violent) just because the person being pinned is mad/upset & storming out? (Slamming doors, but not threatening to actually hurt anybody)
  • Why is it OK for somebody to yell when someone else doesn't know something?
  • Why is OK for people to totally disrespect the feelings of somebody they view as inferior?
  • On that note, why is OK for somebody to see somebody else as inferior to them?
  • Why is it OK for person A to call Person B a meddler when B stands up to A on behalf of person C, while A has no problem telling somebody else what to do with their life? (To me, that seems like a bully getting mad when they are called out.)

Is it something people like me did to deserve cause/deserve being treated like that? Is it something about who we are that causes us to be treated like this? I know it's selfish, but I need to be able to understand why. Why do people like me get treated like that when we're just trying to be good people? I try my best to not hate anybody. For me, that means not wanting anybody dead. (Oh, Trumpass sure is testing me on this one.) I try to treat people better then I expect to be treated. (Granted, that's not saying much.) I try not to look down on people for their skin color, gender identity, sexual orientation, & other things they have no control over.

As a society, why do we mostly ignore bullying?

Why do we ask women who are raped questions like "what were you wearing?" "were you drunk?"As if she has to carry some of the blame for the decision made by her rapist. Do we seriously think men are to darn weak to control themselves? If we do, why do we let men have guns, drive cars, or do anything else where they can endanger other people? Or is the rape thing all about men having power over women?

That's just the beginning. We still have systematic racism, sexism, homophobia, anti-trans, etc.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

What I Want

I was really upset & hurting the other night. What I wanted & didn't want was going through my mind, so I started to write in my journal. This is what came out. You can either read the images from my journal, read the bulleted transcription on the side,or a combination of the 2. Whichever you find easier for you. (I'll be upfront. Some of these are things I want around some people in my life that I do get around other people in my life.)

  • I want to learn how to be a better person then Hitler.
  • I want to earn the right to have my political opinion & not have somebody suggest I kill myself because of it.
  • I want to earn the right to form my own opinion.
  • I want to earn the right to make my own decisions - esp on important things like if I want to have kids or not
  • I want to earn the right to not be bullied
  • I don't want to feel like crap anymore
  • I want to feel like I'm just as worthwhile as everybody else
  • I want to feel like I have something to offer somebody - even if it's a lie
  • I want to not feel like I have to have higher expectations for myself as I do for everybody else
  • I want to earn the right to be myself around family - aka Mom, Dad, Jess, Amanda, etc
  • I want to like myself as much as my co-workers seem to like me (NOTE this includes friends that I don't work with.)

  • I really don't want to feel like crap anymore
  • I really don't want to feel stupid anymore
  • I don't know how. I don't know how to do any of these things & I should. I just should.
  • I shouldn't have been weak* enough to feel like the bullies want/wanted me to feel
  • I should've* just know how to deal with bullies when they first started to bully me
  • I shouldn't have been hurt by the bullies emotional abuse I should've been too strong for that
  • So yeah. How do I learn to be human instead of sub-human? How do I learn to treat myself they want I wand friends*, Alex, Cassie*, my nieces & nephews, etc to be treated? I don't even know how or where to start.

* Yes, I know it's spelled wrong in my journal. I was getting things out then, not making sure I used the correct spelling when 2 words sound the same, make sure ' were in the right place, etc. All those mistakes I found when making this blog are corrected in the transcription.

So, that's a little insight into how I feel on a regular basis, esp when I'm hurt or just having a "depressed" day. It's also a glimpse (even for me) of where I want to end up.